Its been tumultuous, this journey back to JB I must say. There’s the sky-touching ups, and the mad downward spirals. The former mentioned though has been in a ratio that I must profess to be fair. It hasn't been hellish at all, nor was it all a stroll in a rose garden. All in all, I would say I would have preferred a much smoother transition though...

Its just another one of those days I'm having, sitting alone (well, not alone per se, as I'm blogging in office...), with my headphones on full, media player én loop Jay Chow's An Jing.

And every time he lines out:

Ni shuo ni ye hui nan guo wo bu xiang xin

Qian zhe ni pei zhe wo ye zhi shi cheng jin

Xi wang ta shi zhen de bi wo hai yao ai ni

Wo cai hui bi zi ji li kai

All at once, tears start to well up, stinging the corners of my eyes, smudging all evidence of me perfecting my eyeliner this morning... Thereupon I'll look up at the ceiling to prevent them from falling...

Then delivers,  his beautiful blow:

Ni yao wo shuo duo nan kan

Wo gen ben bu xiang fen kai

Wei she me hai yao wo yong wei xiao lai dai guo

Wo mei you zhe zhong tian fen

bao rong ni ye jie shou ta

Bu yao dan xin de tai duo

Wo hui yi zhi hao hao guo

I think I need a good cry after such an outstretch. I didnt want to hurt anyone in the end doing what I did, choosing the paths I had. It may seem cliché but at the very end, but its the only thing I could do to protect everyone's interests.  I’m not oblivious, I know for a fact I've disappointed many, shocked many by the breaking-up with the ex.

Thinking back, all the hyped up hopes, promises and dreams... they weren't impossible, but I didnt have the energy to see them through. Im only human, after all. I didnt want to break a family up, nor did I wish to see all my time and efforts go in vain. All those smiles, laughter, tears- I thought they have vanished from my life forever. But its times like these they come back and hit me where it hurts the most. I'm steadily retracting bit by bit into a state of numbness, only to protect myself and my sanity...

Piling on the relevance- I've never felt this empty and lost since a long long time. I guess it does takes some time after all to get to know someone and fall in love.

I remember the times in the past I said I'll never have the energy to fall in love anymore, to go through shit and tears again. Sincerely I pray hard everyday there no inkling of truth in that statement. "Maybe its all in the mind," I find remind myself from time to time... guess I'm still holding strong. I am a fighter, after all.

Then.

Along comes a word, an action that stabs my heart and sinks my hopes.

Its been happening so often nowadays, I'm starting to question my judgment, and at times, my worth.

The old me will put it down to Karma.

The new me- Karma and the Law of Attraction.

I find myself being more selfish, probably due to the fact I'm in self-protect mode? Or issit the guilt thats getting to me. Like attracts the like, and the people I know now seems to want nothing but only my casing, the physical- the smiling, laughing, crap full of nonsense, get-things-done me.

Am I asking for too much to be able to be acknowledged as a full spectrum? A melodramatic, a loving, hating, feeling me.

Maybe as we get older, thats how things become. Love becomes but just a word to mean nothing  and conveying nothing more but expectations of the other.

Maybe I really did have psychic powers at the time I uttered that statement.

Maybe its true.  Maybe I'm tired of trying.

Your gaze tells me much more than my heart can bear,
Knowingly and willingly I'm falling deeper and harder-
The stars have finally shone through the fog, the clouds,
Albiet not as majestic as I aspire,
I guess it just will have to do, for now..

Our eyes slowly scrutinized the semi-night sky,
Silently and comtemplatingly I remember we stayed-
Counting hushed in our hearts the moments shared beneath the stars.
Unspoken anticipation themes the night,
I guess that will have to do, for now..

Pondering contigous if the stars above tonight paint our story,
Felicitously and boldly we started exploring regardless-
Holding dear that hearts and dreams can break boundaries.

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..

Before we adjourned the night I scanned the semi-lit sky for a sign,
I guess our fate might lie in the stars, for now.